


Them's Fighting Pants

by Phandancee74



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Pants Humor, Prankster Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-20 00:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8229586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phandancee74/pseuds/Phandancee74
Summary: A snake in the pants is worth two in the hand?





	1. Trouser Snakes Abound

First holidays together are important. They can set the tone for the future or expose underlying problems in a relationship. That’s why Harry and Draco tried to make sure everything for their first Christmas together was perfect. And it worked. The real problem didn’t come about until a few weeks later when Draco ran out of clean pants. 

It was Potter’s fault really, Draco thought, when he traced the whole situation back to its origin. Draco had been back to his own place so infrequently lately that he hadn’t been taking proper inventory of his clothing, so really he was bound to run out of clean pants at some point. That fateful morning Draco looked at the clothes he’d grabbed from home when Potter was taking his turn in the shower and found himself face to face with his Christmas present from his Auror partner, Ron Weasley; Silver and Green Pants covered with painted snakes. 

Draco looked at them and bit his lip. Though they were incredibly soft and the colors were gorgeous, there were multiple snakes that wrapped around the pants, and worse the snakes were very crudely drawn and had cartoonish features, some even with little bow ties. Weasley must have had them custom made. They’d have to do though, Harry had vanished the pair he wore last night and he didn’t have time to floo back and pick through his hamper. 

As Draco stood contemplating his unfortunate undergarments, Harry sauntered over to him trying to look as sexy as possible, which was pretty damn sexy, especially post shower. Draco looked up and his gaze turned from forlorn to lusty. His boyfriend was worth having to deal with some silly pants. 

Recalling the pants he tried to subtly throw them onto the bed with the rest of his outfit before Harry could see them. Then he walked over to Harry and pulled him into a kiss.

Harry let himself be distracted for a moment, because that’s what he’d been hoping for really, but made sure that when he broke off the kiss he was less than a step away from Draco’s pile of clothing. 

“What are these?” He cried, taking one look and falling onto the bed laughing. 

“They’re nothing.” Draco frowned slightly, he hoped he was better at stealth in his missions than he was when hiding his pants from his boyfriend.

“These aren’t nothing.” Harry replied with glee. “They’re my new favorite thing.”

“Then you wear them. I’ll take a pair of your boring pants over this disaster any day.”

“Oh no. You can’t. You have to wear these. They were made for you.” Harry held them up to show Draco, as if he hadn’t been terrified by them before.

“Sadly, I do believe they were.” Draco sniffed and pushed the offending garment away from himself. “Please, Harry? I’ll owe you a huge favor if you lend me a pair of yours.”

“No.” Harry shook his head firmly. “Not even your blowjobs are better than this, come on, go take a shower or we’ll be late and your boss is meaner than mine.”

Harry was right. Robards was likely to send him on awful missions if he were even a minute late, whereas Harry had never been more than slightly chastised for all the things he pulled in his department.

“Fine. Maybe I’ll head back to mine then tonight, so I can have more suitable clothing to wear in the future.” Draco huffed, grabbed his things and headed towards the bathroom in a foul mood.

“More suitable?” Harry asked as the door slammed. “I don’t think there is such a thing.”

When no reply came from the en suite Harry sighed. He didn’t really want Draco upset with him. Things were going really well between them and he knew that he’d be miserable if he had to spend the night alone. He’d gotten rather used to the cuddling as he went to sleep, and seeing Draco when he woke up. With that in mind he went to the door and, finding it unlocked, snuck inside.

The pants were there. Right there. The first thing he saw when he opened the door. It seemed like a test, could he make it past the world’s most obvious joke to climb into the shower and apologize to his boyfriend? Harry was determined he could.

He gave them one last look and pulled aside the shower curtain.

“I’m sorry Love. I shouldn’t have laughed at your pants.”

“No. You shouldn’t have” Draco replied sourly.

“I’d come in there and apologize properly but it would make us really late. Maybe I can make it up to you tonight? How about I take you out to dinner?”

Draco sighed “That would be lovely but I really should go home after work and prepare my place for Mother’s visit, it’s a bit of a mess.”

Harry leaned in for a kiss. “Alright. I’ll miss you though.”

“Of course you will. I’m very missable. Now go make some breakfast so I can remember why I’ll miss you.”

Harry laughed fondly and closed the curtain. He was headed towards the door when he saw the pants again. Smirking he thought of another way he could make Draco miss him. Silently he made his way over to the bed, grabbed his wand and wordlessly cast a charm on the pants before he headed off to cook. Really, sometimes he thought his skills were wasted as a Curse Breaker. 

——————————————————————————————————————————

It started around mid morning. Draco was sitting at his desk filling out a report when his pants began to move, not like they were going to fall off but rather that there was something on them. He yelped when whatever was moving nudged his cock. 

Ron looked up and saw his Auror partner staring at his crotch terrified. “Everything alright there Malfoy?”

Draco lifted his eyes, a look of recognition crossing his face, and glared. “What did you do to these stupid pants, Weasley?”

“What did I do to your pants?” Ron looked confused. “Not my division really.”

“Ugh.” Draco feigned gagging “No. The pants you gave me for Christmas. I had to wear them today and they’re behaving strange-LY!” as he spoke the somethings moving slithered along his ass and one of them came dangerously close to his asshole causing him to shriek. He stood up from the chair and made as if to take off his trousers.

  “Woah. Woah. Keep those on.” Ron warned holding up his wand and covering his eyes. “I swear I didn’t do anything to your pants. I can’t believe you’re wearing them really, I thought they’d go right in the bin.”

“They would have if I thought you’d sink this low.” Draco growled as he tried to adjust himself and cease the unsettling movement.

“Why don't you go to the loo and sort things out?” Ron suggested 

“Right. Thanks.” Draco said hurriedly “I’ll be back”

“Take your time. I know how hard those trouser snakes can be to handle.” Ron took a moment to appreciate his joke and then wondered if he could borrow Hermione’s pensieve later. This was a memory to hold onto.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Trouser snakes. Literal trouser snakes. Draco realized Ron must be right, even if he hadn’t known exactly what was going on in his partner’s nickers. But, if Ron hadn’t known, and he had seemed confused when Draco accused him, then it could only be one other annoying Gryffindor who’d happened to have some alone time with his pants. 

—————————————————————————————————————————

“Draco. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?” Harry asked with a twinkle in his eye as said man came barreling into the room. 

“You know what you did.” Draco started angrily as he slammed the door to Harry’s office. “And if you ever want another date you’ll never do it again.”

“Do what?” Harry asked flexing his hands and moving away from a cursed ladle. He cast a shield over the object and then turned to look at Draco.

Draco only glared back at him. 

“I’ve been working all morning.” Harry said innocently “Just sitting here, talking to myself, behaving.” He mimicked sending spells at the ladle, frowning, and then spoke a long strong of parseltongue as he rubbed his chin pretending to ponder. 

Draco’s pants began moving again suddenly. One of the snakes seemed very focused on his cock now, moving back and forth along it rapidly. Draco almost squeaked, though the quick pace felt very nice. 

Harry looked away from his work again. “Draco? Is everything alright?”

Draco struggled for some composure. “I. Told. You.” he paused as another snake joined the first moving in the same rhythm. “To stop. This. N-Nonsense.” 

“You want me to stop?” Harry dropped the charade and switched back to parseltongue for a moment. The snakes moved faster and another began to caress his crack.

“Did you want me to stop?” Harry asked again, smirking.

Draco leaned over to grab Harry’s desk. Harry cast a quick silencing charm, sped up the snakes one more time and then pulled Draco into an intense kiss. Draco came almost immediately, crying out as he fell into Harry’s lap.

Harry issued a hiss and the snakes ceased their ministrations. Draco would have thanked him, or glared at him, but he decided that he could take a moment to catch his breath first.

Harry cleaned him off with a spell and then gave him another kiss. “I hope you’ll miss more than just my cooking while you’re cleaning tonight.”

“You did this because I said I had to go home tonight?” Draco asked a moment later, his voice somewhere between anger and amusement.   “I just wanted to remind you I’m very missable too.” Harry pretended to pout.

“Oh I don’t think you’re very missable.” Draco said as he cast a stinging hex perfectly. “Not. At. All.”


	2. Is It Better to Have Pants and Lost Them Than Never to Have Pants at All?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco makes his revenge extra special by including Harry's friends.

It had been almost two weeks since Harry Potter had turned Draco’s own pants against him. It was an affront that could not be allowed to go unpunished. Oh Harry certainly thought he had been punished, Draco had hit him with at least three stinging hexes over the course of a very lengthy, very satisfying apology. Harry, to his credit, didn’t allow the hexes to hinder his apology nor did he glare more than a little bit when Draco helped himself to Harry’s chocolate biscuits after said apology. 

Still, Draco had been teased mercilessly by his auror partner for his Completely Reasonable reaction to finding his pants a tad friendlier than usual. Weasley claimed that any long day at the office was made better by going home and watching Draco scream at his crotch for a few minutes in a pensieve. Draco needed recompense and he was going to get it from Harry, with just a bit of help from an unwitting ally. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Harry had lunch with Hermione at least twice a week at work. Occasionally Draco and Ron would be able to join them, but their schedule depended entirely on their ever changing workload and missions, whereas Harry and Hermione could choose to work at their own pace for the most part. 

Today after they’d invited the auror pair as usual, and gotten an answer that the two men might be able to join them just a few minutes late, Harry and Hermione grabbed a table in the Ministry cafe and started without them. 

“How’s everything going with your latest project?” Harry asked Hermione when they’d grabbed their food.

“It’s going really well.” Hermione answered enthusiastically. “I’ve found something really challenging about this one. I can probably tell you a bit about it, it’s almost related to your department. In fact, I’m hoping to see if I can pull you in a little later on to consult if I get approval.” Hermione’s work as an Unspeakable had had the unusual effect of increasing the amount of intelligent conversation that she and Harry could share. Without all the details that Hermione provided in Hogwarts, sharing being verboten in her department, their discourse was on much more general knowledge than before and Harry felt able to keep up. 

“That’d be great.” Harry replied. “I’m almost finished with the most recent trove Gringotts found and I’d love to work on one of your top secret projects. Quick, tell me about it before Draco gets here, you know what a stickler he is about you being unspoken.”

“If only Ron were a bit more like that.” Hermione began. She continued on but Harry didn’t hear a word as he’d had the sudden uncomfortable sensation that his pants were gone. 

Harry tried to look casual and pay attention as he adjusted his seat loudly, using it as a cover to feel if his concerns were valid. They were. His pants were gone.

“Harry?” Hermione was looking at him strangely, his face was probably showing too much casualness or maybe she’d asked him a question and he hadn’t answered.

“Sorry ‘Mione, I got distracted for a second. You were saying something about Ron?” Harry tried to redirect the conversation but the shock on his face must have shown because Harry had barely finished speaking when his pants returned, which was just as strange a feeling as their initial disappearance had been. 

Hermione clearly knew something was up, so Harry didn’t bother hiding his search around the room, trying to find the person he knew must be responsible for this. 

“When did Draco and Ron say they’d join us?” Harry asked suspiciously. His suspicion deepened when his pants disappeared again mid-sentence.

“Ron didn’t give a time, he just said that they’d join us.” Hermione looked around too, wondering what was going on.

Harry leaned forward, his pants had come back and there was no use hiding the problem from Hermione, she’d seen something was up and unless Harry begged her, he knew he wouldn’t escape without an explanation. 

“Something’s wrong with my pants.” He tried to look as serious as possible so she wouldn’t laugh at him.

Hermione stopped scanning the room to look back at Harry. “With your pants?”

“Yes. My pants keep disappearing.”

“From your house?” Hermione looked ready to investigate. Harry felt himself relax, at least she understood the gravity of the situation.

“No. From my body.” 

There was a pause, and then Hermione burst out laughing. Apparently theft was a serious matter, but losing your pants while wearing them was a step too funny. “Are they gone now?” She asked as she glanced at the table in front of him and giggled.

“No.” Harry scowled. “They came back. They’ve disappeared and reappeared twice since we sat down.”

Hermione tried not to laugh too hard at her friend’s distress. “And you think Draco did it?” She asked though she was fairly sure of the answer. Ron had hardly kept Draco’s own pants-disaster a secret.

“Of course he did. And if I could see where he was now I could hex him until he stops.” Harry growled contemplating hexing Hermione too if she didn’t stop laughing at him.

“Do you think Ron is in on it too? Are our boyfriends criminals now? Pant thieves extraordinaries?” Hermione watched Harry grow more and more red.

“They did it again! They’re gone!” Harry would have shouted but he didn’t want this to end up in the Prophet Boy Who Lived Can’t Keep His Pants On, it’d be a nightmare. “Take this seriously Hermione! I can’t just walk around the ministry for the rest of the day going commando!”

Hermione let out the last of her laughing fit and then decided to focus on the problem. Whatever spell Draco had cast on Harry’s pants he must have done it earlier as she could see no sign of him or Ron anywhere. She told Harry as much and then began to ask about the disappearances. 

“Is it a timed thing do you think?” She asked. “Have they all been equally far apart? Or have you been doing something particular each time it’s happened?”

Harry thought for a moment. “It isn’t timed. The first two times they disappeared were close together. Then they were back until just a moment ago. I thought Draco must be here but you’re right, he’s not here.”

Hermione took a moment to think. “Were you eating when it started?”   “I think I’d have spilled my lunch if that happened.” Harry said sheepishly. 

“It hasn’t happened at all before lunch though?” Hermione questioned.

“No.” Harry confirmed. “Though I was alone in my office for most of the day. Maybe Draco set it so that it would go on and off when I’m near people?”

“Then either your pants would have stayed off this whole lunch, or we’re back to a timed spell.” Hermione reminded him. “Maybe it’s triggered by a certain word.”

Harry thought about that. “Well what have we discussed so far, it must be something Draco knew we would talk about.”

“My work?”   “I don’t know. Just saying that didn’t do anything but maybe it was when we were talking about your project, Draco really does think Unspeakable stuff should stay secret.”

“Alright. Should we talk about it some more to test it?” Hermione asked. 

Harry nodded. “Please. I really need to get my pants back soon.”

“Well . . . I guess I was telling you about this project. I’m researching new ways to connect people via various objects, like I did with the Galleons for the DA, only with the potential for more than words. I can’t really talk more about it until I get approval and make you take an oath.”

Harry nodded, only half listening. His pants were still gone. Hermione had lost herself to thinking about the project for a moment but when she remembered their test she looked at Harry and he shook his head.

“If it wasn’t work, I don’t know what else it could be. What else do we always talk about?” Hermione thought for a moment and Harry thought for a moment then they both looked at the empty seats at their table. “RON!” They said in unison. Harry’s pants made a comeback. 

“Here!” Ron replied from just behind them. “What did I do this time?” he joked.

Harry spun around and saw Draco smirking at him. Before Hermione could even think about sharing their discovery he grabbed her arm and said “Nothing recent. We were just remembering the time you got Hermione in trouble with your mum.”

Hermione looked at Harry and almost copied Draco’s smirk. Then she turned to Ron. “You’re lucky I forgave you for that Ronald Weasley. I’m just too nice to you.” Harry’s pants disappeared again. It was Hermione’s way of laughing at him and making sure that Draco knew she was in on the joke.

“I’ve always thought you were too good for Ron.” Draco replied with a slight nod to Hermione as he sat down. Harry’s pants reappeared but sadly Harry no longer thought they had any hope of giving him back his dignity.

“You never call me Ron.” Ron said in disbelief, ignoring the insult. Harry’s pants left him again and Harry wondered if he could go with them.

“I might leave a bit early. I really should get this trove done today, in case you get permission to pull me in on that project.” He shot Hermione a look begging her to help him.

“Oh but Ron and I just got here.” Draco said pretending to look put out. Harry got up while he had pants and decided to make a run for it.

“I’ll see you for dinner and I’ll see him tomorrow.” Harry answered brusquely grabbing his lunch to take with him.

“I think I’ll come with you,” Draco smiled and grabbed his own plate. “I really want to tell you about this mission. It was so interesting and I’ve missed you all day.”

“Poor Ron” Hermione said loudly “I’ll stay with you. I don’t want you to feel unappreciated.”

“I, for one, have never appreciated him more.” Draco said as he chased Harry towards the elevators.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“That was weird.” Ron said once they’d left. “I know I didn’t save Malfoy’s life today and it isn’t my birthday, so something’s up. Let me know when you feel like sharing.”

Hermione couldn’t hide her delight, both at the brilliance of Draco’s plan, and at her own part in it, and almost fell over laughing.

“I hope you feel like sharing soon.” Ron huffed good-naturedly “It certainly seems worth knowing.”

Hermione nodded and promised to tell him when she got herself under control.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Draco managed to catch the elevator just before the doors closed. Harry was alone so Draco walked up to him and gave him a quick appraisal. 

“So, exactly how devious is Ms. Granger? Did she make sure to get the last word in for you or for me?”

“Shove off.” Harry grumbled, willing the elevator to move faster.

Draco laughed delightedly “I owe her something very nice. Maybe a new encyclopedia.” He moved closer to Harry and pressed a quick kiss against his cheek. “How long did it take you two to figure out the trigger? I wish I’d seen the whole thing but duty called.”

Harry glared at him. “Remove this charm now.”

“But I haven’t fully returned the favor.” Draco said, making his voice sultry.

Harry’s look suggested Draco was an idiot. “Remove the charm now. I’ve got no time to curse break my own pants. Especially if they aren’t even on me.”

“I’d feel bad if you didn’t at least get a little happiness out of my revenge.” Draco purred. 

“Revenge? Oh I’ll show you revenge!” Harry threatened. The elevator came to a stop on his floor and he set a quick retreat to his office, knowing Draco would follow anyway.

“There’s no need.” Draco said grabbing him as soon as the office door closed. “I got mine back. This game is over. There’s no need to continue. Just let me take care of you and then it’s done.”

Harry looked at him hard. “You think there was anything sexy about what you pulled? At least mine was . . . stimulating.” 

Draco sighed dramatically. “This is why I’d hoped to be there for lunch.” He pushed Harry’s cloak aside and ran his hand over Harry’s trousers. “My plan was for you and I to sit through lunch, surrounded by your friends, all the while just the two of us knowing that you had nothing on underneath. I was going to make all sorts of remarks and even play footsie with you to get you turned on. Then I’d say that one little word and make you trapped in your pants until I could rescue you after lunch.” Draco had continued to caress Harry through his trousers as he spoke, spinning his idea of a sexy tale, until it worked out almost like he’d planned. 

Harry smiled slightly. “Well. I suppose you should rescue me now. Just to make everything even.” 

“Of course.” Draco grinned. He unbuttoned Harry’s trousers and slid them down. Then he began mouthing Harry through his pants, making sure he was very very turned on. 

Harry lost himself for a moment to Draco’s ministrations. It felt amazing, but Draco wasn’t pulling off his pants and finishing the job. “Come on Draco.” he urged, reaching to pull them off himself. 

Draco quickly grabbed Harry’s hands and used a sticking charm to keep them together. “I’ll finish as soon as you get rid of your pants.”

Harry scowled. “Then undo my hands.”

“Why should you need your hands, ” Draco paused, his face thoroughly pressed up against Harry. “when I’ve so helpfully enchanted your pants?”

“No! I’m not going to say my best mate’s name during sex.” Harry blushed. “How is that okay? Shouldn’t you be upset if I call out another bloke’s name?”

“I would be if I had no faith in you, love, but as it is I think this is a perfect end to my revenge. That friend of yours teased me nonstop about your little trick. I think you should be just as embarrassed around him as I’ve been.”

Draco grabbed Harry’s ass through his pants and pulled him closer as he placed open mouth kisses on Harry’s clothed cock. 

“Please, Draco. God I want your mouth.” Harry begged.

“It just takes one word.” Draco sang with glee.

“No!” Harry panted as Draco kneaded his ass and stroked him faster. “I’ll just come in my pants.”

“I couldn’t let you suffer like that.” Draco teased. “Not when I promised you I’d take care of you. If you can’t bring yourself to say it, I will.” 

Draco paused to give Harry one last chance. He wasn’t sure which would embarrass Harry more, giving in or hearing Draco say Weasley’s name in the middle of sex.

Harry looked torn but he stood by his convictions. So Draco shrugged then poured ever ounce of sex appeal he had into one name. “Ronald. Bilius. Weasley.” 

Harry groaned as his cock sprang free and Draco dove on it. It took less than a minute for him to come down Draco’s throat. Licking his lips Draco looked up at his boyfriend and said. “Well. That was lovely. It certainly was nice of Ron to help us out.”

Harry’s pants reappeared over his spent cock and his groan this time was one of dismay. He grabbed his wand from his fallen trousers and cast a quick spell over his pants so that they would stay put then fell into his nearby chair.

“We’re done then?” He asked Draco wearily. Maybe it wasn’t worth it to mess with Draco. He always got his back in the end.

“Absolutely. And just in time for Valentine’s Day too!” Draco said pleased with himself. “I really didn’t want to be plotting against you while you fed me chocolate in bed. I would have felt almost guilty.” He gave Harry a kiss and then headed for the door. “I was thinking stew for dinner. Maybe Treacle Tart for pudding.”

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Somehow Harry managed to get back to work and he did end up finishing the rest of the cursed objects he’d been working on. It made him a few minutes later than he usually left work, but he was sure Draco would have to forgive him after the stunt he’d pulled. 

Harry thought about that for a minute. Maybe Draco would let him slide on things for a few days, the way Harry had after he’d pranked Draco, letting him eat his favorite biscuits and all that. He smiled, that would be nice, he would be very pleased if something good did come from this whole debacle. 

Harry’s good attitude lasted until he got to the the line for the floo. He was looking around at the long lines, a cost of actually leaving work when everyone else did, and failed to notice Ron come up behind him. 

“Ron!” Ron announced himself cheerily.

Harry jumped then glared then finally blushed when he remembered Ron didn’t know how everything had ended, thankfully. “It’s over Ro- . . . er . . . Mate. I got rid of the charm after lunch.”

Ron laughed. “That’s too bad. Everyone else got to do it. I wanted a turn.”

Harry’s blush grew as he thought about how that sounded. “Right. Well it’s done. Anyway you did get a turn, you said Draco never called you R-, by your first name I mean.”

“Can’t say my name anymore Harry?” Ron chuckled. “I don’t think Malfoy’s ever going to stop now. He called me Ron the rest of the day. The git smirked every time too.”

Harry sighed. This wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. He ducked his head. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if the two of you were on time for lunch. I never would have told Hermione in front of you, or admitted it in front of Draco.”

“Course not mate. That’s probably why Draco was so set on doing that last mission before lunch. I wanted to eat first, you know how I am about lunch, but Draco got very shifty and kept talking about how an auror must do their duty. I just told ‘Mione we’d be late and went to shut him up.”

Harry looked up at Ron. “Draco said he didn’t want to be late for lunch.”

“Oh come on. Hermione told me how hard she laughed while you tried to figure it out. How you looked all over the place for us, sure that Draco was hiding somewhere watching. Obviously he set it up so that would happen. Much meaner.”

Harry’s eyes narrowed. Ron was right, it was much meaner, a much better revenge for Draco. Harry’d done the same thing the first time himself, made sure that Draco looked like an idiot and that he, the culprit, was nowhere nearby. This fight wasn’t over. Harry reversed his original plan to let everything go. He didn’t care how low Draco went with his next attack. It was on.

**Author's Note:**

> I've got a few of these planned. Obviously the pants prank war can't end with just one battle.


End file.
